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thoughts from my heart

Discussion in 'Creative, Hobby and Skills Forum' started by City, Jul 28, 2008.

  1. City

    City Pro Poster

    As I sit and think of the line I walk on, not stable, I try to rise above to get off of the line and on more level ground, but its beyond my control.

    My actions speak louder than words.

    God, you know my heart. You know how I've wronged you for so many years. You know how I found you and made things straight and by your gracious heart you forgave me.

    You hep me to focus in war of my flesh and of my heart, you saved me not just from the pit, but also from myself. So I look to this line I stand on, thinking of all of this and your teaching...

    I wonder why things are so. Is it to help me grow, is it to keep me on track, for you know I better than what myself knows, or is it because my other half doesn't know you and sins beyond. Rejected your word.

    Do I suffer for his sins and his actions. Am I bound to his torment here on earth? Am I chained in some way? Do you only feed my family because of me but always on the edge of ruin because of my other half?

    Oh how these thoughts trouble my heart. Do I sound selfish? I stop and think again. My true heart of suffering I believe lies within my other half still buried deep in the depths of darkness.

    So what is this stability? Stability of food and money or stability of my other half and his soul? Both!

    All of this within the current wars of myself, of Satan himself, peoples attacks and point of finger of blame for innocent burden. Attacks from my other half. Pushing me to the point. Treating me at times as though I am the one that has lost.

    I see how weak I am and am in awe when I see how you keep me standing, keep me going. Showing to me in some way every day how through all this you keep me close. You counsel me back to health even though deisease runs rampant around.

    But through this because my other half suffers in his misunderstanding of choosing, I also suffer, my daughter suffers.

    Will he ever turn? My patience is dry. These that are done. I give up on people but not on You. I throw my hands up; please take over! Because this job is not for me. I sit back and watch, waiting, hoping, and quietly suffering.

    I feel I suffer for another's sins. So tell me how can wanting something good be selfish?

    I see there is no other way around it. So here I am today and here I will be tomorrow until he choses to accept your Son and your Word. So tell me God what do I do now? Nothing but live.
  2. CoreIssue

    CoreIssue Administrator Staff Member

    These are the kinds of quandaries many fail to understand.

    You have the Christian, the non-Christian, realities of others around them and so on. God give all freewill and will purpose to help the one most in spiritual need first, then move up the ladder.

    Now, does that mean God does not keep his promises to his children? No, it means that the answer and blessing may not come until Eternity, but it will come.

    God says if you suffer unjustly in life you will be compensated in Eternity. Not pleasant but reality.

    So, the help can come yesterday, today, tomorrow, next week, next month, etc. or in Eternity. But it will come.

    Does that make one feel good every time? No! But it should also say when many peoples lives are mixed together not everyone can be in the driver's seat at the same time. Some must be passengers and some may have to wait until the next trip.

    But it does not mean one has personally failed with God. It can mean one is already where they need to be for eternity and it is more important to get the next one there, even if it causes the first one to have major problem along the way.

    Wish I could paint a brighter picture. Sorry. :pray:
  3. City

    City Pro Poster

    Thanks to the both of you! The prayer and PM offer is hugely appreciated and means so much! (((Hugs))) What I am about to say next has to deal with others I run into; sigh... sorry, but thanks for letting me vent this out!! Sometimes I wish we knew each other in person!

    I just get so stressed and try to ignore it and when I go to others well this happens and almost makes it worse... so I keep it in. And wanting to share it with hubby well...

    You know when I express anything of hard times to anyone else thats a Christian (not here and not every person but...) they are so quick to have the attitude "don't worry be happy" or " just have faith". You know having that come from a Christian is not encouraging at all and shows they don't care and very frustrating! Its like a quick brush off feeling. And when your heart is crying for a listening ear well, not good.

    When a brother is down I feel we need to build each other up, not say simply "oh just have faith blah blah blah". When people talk like that I feel they don't understand or look down to me and are not listening!

    Just because we are Christians does not mean we won't have bad things surround us. Its not an easy thing by any means. And when Christians look down on me because they think I have little faith; boy thats the last thing I want to do is feel like I have to defend my faith or my relationship with God because I struggle with people or myself.

    You know my mom does this to me and one time on the phone I just broke down in tears of frustration telling her just this. She apologized but you know this isn't as easy as saying "ah don't worry or think about it because you have Jesus". Not as simple when your talking about your other half. Different when your living it.

    Than to feel soulfully beat upon by the world on top of this makes it such a fight ya know? Its like being fresh out of boot camp and sent straight to the field for battle. Barely prepared to handle and barely strong enough.

    I can't stand having people act like they are sick of me because I have struggles like "oh hear we go again" kind of attitude. I feel thats why its so very important as Gods children for us to have a listening ear especially for each other and understanding even if we haven't totally been there ourselves. Same with those that don't know Him yet.

    I guess thats why when I see someone struggle my heart feels so much for them! I have so much to say. It may not always be right but I listen. I think too many today are so caught up in their own lives and what they are doing and what not, thats why they brush those away crying out for help.

    I think God really notices those that take to heart other peoples hearts and where they stand. I feel when we as Christians do this it is a reflection of the love we are supposed to know of. Not trying to be PC here just trying to show what I feel like when I'm brushed off with a couple of words and one not want to understand me. Its cold.

    Thanks for letting me rant. And many hugs to you both and others here I know understand and truly listen!
  4. Jessie

    Jessie Pro Poster

    you have a way of expressing yourself, you have said all that I have felt all my life,I just could'nt say it in such a way.I was getting angry today. all wemon I know here, have lied to get where they are at.used people. lie cheat manipulate and they are just fine. me I'm getting the snot knocked out of me on a daily basis for being honest.and frankly its knocking the hope out of me.sometimes I think ok, if I'm just meant to die, then lets get this ball on the road.and get it over with. (I know I'm thinking of me and no I'm not thinking of hurting myself) but golly, sometimes it feels like if its ALL just for eternity, whats the point here? one has to live here... my patience too is dry. I figured if God wants it done hes gonna have to do it, there is nothing left.I guess the world just knows its own. all I know here that are doing well financially have gotten it on the backs of others,(not this board) like I said lie, cheat, steal, charm, manipulate whatever it takes.your not alone in feeling this way....I wish I could make it better for you! and I so agree with people saying oh it will be ok, or something stupid.it does'nt help, and its downright insultive. cold like you said.and cheap.vent anytime! we all need it.
  5. InTheWind

    InTheWind Pro Poster

    Words well spoken and right on the money imo of how a truly born again person can expect to live life. Jesus said if your of the world your not of Me and that we`re not to be shocked if we`re hated for believing in Christ.
    I also go through what you all do, it aggravates me to no end the way the people around me treat us. I sit back in bewilderment trying to understand how i can have a heart attack and my cousin doesn`t care enough to call me because he is mad at me for saying something 20 years ago he didn`t like.
    Or how one of my sisters just up and cut me out of her life after mom died and won`t talk to me, she didn`t call either after my attack.
    I have sent cards and letters, called and called these people, had other people try and talk to them with no answers. It is so stupid rude and un-caring ya can`t believe it`s happening, it`s like a bad dream that never ends.
    I`ve told myself to just let it go that we don`t need those selfish people anyway but that isn`t in my heart or any of yours either as a Christian. And when i say Christian i mean a truly born again Christian. And that is where the problem, or prize lays imo. If you are a child of Christ you do not fit in this world and the world will reject you, unless of course your a false Christian that Satan has on a string and giving you everything you want so you can unwillingly fool others into believing that you should be living like royalty if you have good faith.
    The other view is that the way your being treated and the suffering your going through is the prize, it`s your evidence that your serving God and are His child and Satan hates that and will make your path rough.
    Now i believe God will give His children wealth, good health and peace of mind as long as it is His will and that is for the benefit of others.
    I always think of the disciple's and how they suffered by the hand of the world but died believing and at peace, just think how great our reward will be for suffering without seeing Christ just believing by faith.
    My friends we are in hard times, things are all twisted around where right is wrong and wrong is right. And the unsaved world don`t even see it, all they think about is self and money. Which also make me think about what Christ said on the cross, forgive them for they know not what they do.
    Stand firm , stand tall and be proud of who you are a chosen Child of God who`s job it is is to love one another and forgive others for their sins. Know that God saves every tear in a jar and some day you will be rewarded for every one. And what`s the worse thing that can happen, you are killed, well then you go to heaven and are of the lucky ones that will only suffer one death and not two.
    Myself when i`m letting the world beat me down now know that it`s time for me to get back on track and get in Gods plan and scream at the top of my voice i`m Gods and no one can take that from me.
    A friend sometimes tells me that even if the world throws ya in prison that that would just be a great opportunity to preach the word to those that need it.
    Sorry for the long talk but i`m helping my self at the same time, thanks for listening and I love you all. :hug:
  6. Jessie

    Jessie Pro Poster

    :hug: ITW, I feel for all of us going thru this people are so cold and cruel. it always leaves me scratching my head thinking what on earth? but you are correct it shows we do belong to God.I was so frustrated earlier, been looking for a job. with all thats gone on in my life, my work has been here and there, and sometimes I'd have to leave because my family, my children came first or I had problems those boys had to have a parent at home. no getting around it. and on the job historys I was like I have to sign and be honest.... so no getting around it I'm putting it down and if God wants me to have a job hes gonna have to do it.then my last job, that was whacky. had tendonitis in my right arm,(still hurts at times) and the store calls out the police saying I'm tied up and held hostage. well, yes, I've had my marraige problems, but people at work did'nt know what was going on. but the officier came out when I was at the drs office. at the time I thought that dr. gave me a funny look.so I assume the officier called to see if I was there.when I got home and found out, I called the officier and told him I was just fine, he had to come by anyhow again, and he was NONE to happy with the company doing that.neither was I. so I did'nt feel ok going back there. I thought ok what are they gonna pull off next? btw they did'nt do it for my safety either. if that was the case why not do it earlier? why on the day I go to the dr. and am at the dr's? cause I'd missed a day or two before that, because of my arm.its just crazy stuff. and it never stops. two other people there were harrassed on really stupid stuff.and they were 2 very good workers. oh well....so I'm just going to put it on there, its Gods problem now.I think that was frustrating me. I dont like lieing, and think too that omitting stuff at times is tatamount to lying.yes, we are hated.... I have had one hard time understanding it. but its true, oh its true we are hated.I was envying my sil to a point and my sis and mom, they all get to traval.and I want someday (my dream) is to go back to hawaii. its like home for me there. even if its just a week or two. I'd like to live there, dh said, ok lets go. so hes ok with going. which for many yrs he would'nt even think of it.we did pray about it awhile back and we did'nt get that NO answer.you know how sometimes God just flat out says NO. its not wait, just NO.sooo anyhow...they've all fudged their papers saying they have stuff they dont to get the jobs, steal, sil is probably still stealing meds and selling them....and here I am scraping to get by, and I was so sick of it.doing my best to do whats right, while they live it up and lie ect.I have the hope of heaven they dont.its just frustrating .... I know heaven will be far better than anything here,it would just be nice if it would lighten up....:hug: to you all!
  7. City

    City Pro Poster

    :hug: I think its great we can all help each other through these struggles just by listening and being here for one another. Please do help yourself it is a form of encouragement to know I'm not the only one. It gives me encouragement to put the next foot forward and to keep truckin' on until God decides His children have had enough and Hes had enough and we can go home.

    Argh! these things people do around us and bring into our houses and into our hearts in different ways. You know I try so hard; we all do.

    The other day I have done something for awhile thinking there was no harm. Well I have come to the conclusion from others reactions and it settled in my conscience that maybe this is wrong. So I took the opportunity to set it all right. I suffered to make it right but I don't want to take a chance of being wrong. I am still not sure if its wrong but its becoming more apparent in my heart that its wrong.

    But my husband keeps doing it. He tries to get me involved. And this just like with many things I have changed or stop he will snare at me and tell me how I have lost out and will get nothing if I don't join him. If he finds out I have changed my mind and set all right he will snare at me and start a fight about it. Why ? I don't know. Should I keep a secret from him? No way.

    I need to come up with courage to tell him I feel its wrong and I have made things right within my conscience (with God). It wasn't easy doing the right thing but I did it and went above and beyond to tell God I am sorry with my heart and actions. I am not sure if it bothers God or not but just in case it does, its a big deal.

    I also find myself in moments where I say "o.k. a.baker time to pull it together and just talk to God about it. Search for scripture and beg for God to give you the strength to keep going." I also find myself wanting to exit but I feel thats when God says to me "Nope your going to be here awhile."

    I find myself searching for people like you all here to talk with and wind up empty handed and feeling so very alone. The world just doesn't understand and anyone I find who says they are a Christian is so busy with themselves they don't hear or care. It is very hard when we get hit with things form our blood family. That really makes me feel alone. When theres constant wrong in my house.

    I also believe we suffer because we are His children and I believe Satan uses those around us as his tool for his use against us sometimes. Satan knows our hearts too and if he can't have us he'll do what ever he can to try to break us.

    Thats when we look to God to make us stronger. We are His sheep and He is our Shepherd. I love to think of that.

    Thats very cold how people in your family act ITW and same with you Jessie. I can't stand to see my family being treated that way! I will pray for the both of you. Thank you so much for listening to me :hug: ! Theres not many left who will listen sadly. But I am here for any one of you the same you are for me. You all helped me out so much tonight!!!
  8. InTheWind

    InTheWind Pro Poster

    Your above it all imo a.baker and God is smiling and saying job well done. God is watching us and waits for us to make the move to see if we make good decisions I beleave anyway.
    He is all we have that we can fully trust and count on. I`ve always had to do things the hard way but in the end it always works out to the good because God was with me.
    Hang in there sis, we all will be praying for each other and things will work for the glory of God.

    (((((((((((((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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